When I was a kid, I always had said I was never ever having kids. I was always around my cousins which for the most part where little hellions on two feet.
My mom would always tell me that I would change my mind once I met the perfect guy. As I got older and into my teenage years I was still adamant on no kids! Besides, what teenage girl is worrying about children. Unless of course you are one of those way out of hand teenagers that are a Maury Show candidate! Sure as heck wasn't me. Keep those kids far away from me.
My plan was to adopt older children who didn't have a mom or dad of their own.
Yeah, we see how well that worked.
In 2000 I met my husband and his son. I was totally on with him having a child because I was still on the path of giving other children a parent they are lacking and I still didn't want any of my 'own'.
Imagine my surprise a few year later when a good ol' pregnancy test popped up positive. I was home alone when I took that test. I didn't even say anything to him that I was planning on taking one. What prompted me to take one was the fact that my boobs where ungodly sore. Everyone around me assured me that I was pregnant. I assured them I wasn't and told them I would take a test to prove them wrong.
Took the test. Threw it across the bathroom. Spent all day at home, alone, in bed, crying!
9 months later, enter Princess in the Middle.
After Princess in the Middle, I was so overcome with joy and love for this baby, that I wanted another. SOON!! Daddy on the other hand was never ready. I eventually got back on birth control pills and around my daughters age of 5/6, I let go of the dream of having another baby and started selling all her baby things. Clothes, gear, etc. I was tired of it taking up space.
So, imagine my surprise last fall when my period didn't come like it was supposed to. These birth control pills made my period come like clock work. One month it never came. So off I went to buy a test without telling hubby. And peed on it the next morning.
Positive. I bet your thinking I was happy!!
Not!!
I instantly threw it in the cupboard and cried. Composed myself and Got the kids ready for school. Hubby takes one look at me and knew something was wrong. He was stoked. I was angry.
I continued to be angry through pretty much my whole pregnancy. I'm pretty positive it's affecting my bond with her as I get so irritated and crabby when she is fussy and inconsolable which lucky for me is 98% of the time. But for some reason, she is so a mommas girl. She prefers me over anyone. I don't know if it has to do with the 8 weeks of breastfeeding or all the skin to skin the doctor made me do, or what. Sometimes I love it but others I just wish she wasn't. I know I sound so horrible but I can't help those feelings.
Even though I was so upset I was pregnant both times, I love both my girls more than anything in the world and I would never go back to before I had them. I may not be the best mother in the world, but to my girls, I am the greatest and I have no faults or failures. I will take that and run with it. Relishing in all their accomplishments. And hope that all 3 of my children always think I am nothing BUT the greatest!!
For the record though, I do still want to adopt and give a child the parents they wouldn't have otherwise.
Showing posts with label Motherhood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Motherhood. Show all posts
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Drugs & Motherhood
I am a person who has never in her life touched any sort of drugs, unless that have been prescribed to me. Hell, I have never even smoked a cigarette. And that is the 100% Gods honest truth.
So, don't get upset when I think down on you for doing drugs. I will tolerate cigarettes but drugs, i don't think so. I just don't see the point in why people waste their time and money. Don't give me that baloney that they help you calm down or relax either because I am not buying it. Does not work with me, I am sorry. And don't expect mento give you sympathy either when you are broke because you spent it all on some weed or crack.
What really boils me is MOTHERS who seem to think that it's ok to continue with their recreational drug use. Especially when they are still pregnant. Seriously?! How effing stupid are you?
I worked with a girl at a restaurant while I was pregnant with my now 9 month old daughter. Who announced after I found out I was pregnant that she was going to get pregnant to so we could be preggo together. Good Reason right? Low and behold 2-3 months later, guess whose pregnant. Yay! Not!
So I spent the whole 7 months I worked of my pregnancy watching her buy pills from customers and run in the bathroom to crush them up and snort them.
One day a little baby came in that had Downs Syndrome. I had stated how I adore children with Downs. They are oh so adorable and so sweet and full of put innocence with a zest for life like no other. Another co-worker mentioned how she would love to adopt a child with Downs or another disability.
Guess what my little pill popping co-worker stated?
If her baby was ever born with a disability, she didn't want him!! She would immediately put him up for adoption. I just looked at her totally appalled and I had to walk away. If I had said the things I wanted to say, I would have surely caused a fight and been fired. I didn't need to loose my job, nor put my unborn daughter at risk!
I mean seriously! You are going to say all that while popping pills and putting your child at an even greater risk of problems or addiction and not care one single bit. But should your child be born with problems, you surely wouldn't take the blame but I would so be pointing fingers!!
I have a few family members that like to smoke marijuana while their children are around. They simply go in another room and close the door, or make the children go play in another room while the door is closed. It's ok though. They are in another room and they can't see me!
Why don't you just invite your child to sit with you then and share! Basically the same thing right?
I just don't understand. When I became a mother my lifestyle changed. Not that I ever did anything anyway but that's not the point. My life was no longer mine. It was theirs! And every bit of my life revolves around them. They are first, I am second and that is how it should be. I would never do anything to jeprodize the lives of my children.
When you become a mother, you're supposed to grow up and live all the bogus bull$hit behind.
At least that's what I thought was supposed to happen...
So, don't get upset when I think down on you for doing drugs. I will tolerate cigarettes but drugs, i don't think so. I just don't see the point in why people waste their time and money. Don't give me that baloney that they help you calm down or relax either because I am not buying it. Does not work with me, I am sorry. And don't expect mento give you sympathy either when you are broke because you spent it all on some weed or crack.
What really boils me is MOTHERS who seem to think that it's ok to continue with their recreational drug use. Especially when they are still pregnant. Seriously?! How effing stupid are you?
I worked with a girl at a restaurant while I was pregnant with my now 9 month old daughter. Who announced after I found out I was pregnant that she was going to get pregnant to so we could be preggo together. Good Reason right? Low and behold 2-3 months later, guess whose pregnant. Yay! Not!
So I spent the whole 7 months I worked of my pregnancy watching her buy pills from customers and run in the bathroom to crush them up and snort them.
One day a little baby came in that had Downs Syndrome. I had stated how I adore children with Downs. They are oh so adorable and so sweet and full of put innocence with a zest for life like no other. Another co-worker mentioned how she would love to adopt a child with Downs or another disability.
Guess what my little pill popping co-worker stated?
If her baby was ever born with a disability, she didn't want him!! She would immediately put him up for adoption. I just looked at her totally appalled and I had to walk away. If I had said the things I wanted to say, I would have surely caused a fight and been fired. I didn't need to loose my job, nor put my unborn daughter at risk!
I mean seriously! You are going to say all that while popping pills and putting your child at an even greater risk of problems or addiction and not care one single bit. But should your child be born with problems, you surely wouldn't take the blame but I would so be pointing fingers!!
I have a few family members that like to smoke marijuana while their children are around. They simply go in another room and close the door, or make the children go play in another room while the door is closed. It's ok though. They are in another room and they can't see me!
Why don't you just invite your child to sit with you then and share! Basically the same thing right?
I just don't understand. When I became a mother my lifestyle changed. Not that I ever did anything anyway but that's not the point. My life was no longer mine. It was theirs! And every bit of my life revolves around them. They are first, I am second and that is how it should be. I would never do anything to jeprodize the lives of my children.
When you become a mother, you're supposed to grow up and live all the bogus bull$hit behind.
At least that's what I thought was supposed to happen...
Monday, March 7, 2011
I need a Vacation
I am so overly tired it's not even funny. I am so over waking up
all.
night.
long.
with diva baby. I just want one full nights sleep. Is that too much to ask??
/sigh
all.
night.
long.
with diva baby. I just want one full nights sleep. Is that too much to ask??
/sigh
Thursday, March 3, 2011
I'm Not The Mom I Wanted To Be
When I was younger, I never wanted to have children. I wanted to adopt my children and give them a mom and dad instead. There are too many children without and I wanted to take at least 2 of them.
Well obviously that isn't how things worked for me. Kind of anyway. I do have a son whom I did not give birth too. I am his mother because his bio mom is less than par. But that is all. I gave birth to my other 2 children. And I wouldn't take them back for anything.
But I an not the mother I envisioned myself being.
I wanted to give my children the happy stable home I never had. I wanted to be able to get them whatever I wanted without worries I wanted their parents to always be happy and problem free. I wanted to be better than my parents.
Well, those where just dreams. Long far off dreams.
Because I do not provide none of the above. Not anywhere close and it breaks my heart. There is so much stress and frustration in my life, that my home is no where near stable and I cannot afford to even breathe sometimes. My children ask for all these cool things, and I cannot give it to them.
And when people find out everything that is going on, and they see our baby, I get this expression of why we had another child.
My baby was not planned. I was on birth control and apparently God wanted her here, because she slipped by. You will never have no idea how angry I was when I found out I was pregnant. I hated being pregnant and I was not happy through the whole thing. And the saddest part is, I'm pretty positive that this affects my bond with her. I get so frustrated with her so easily and I'm sure it was because I didn't want to be pregnant.
When I think of the mother I am and the mother I wanted to be, I am sad. Don't get me wrong. I love my children more than anything, I just wish I was a better mother.
Well obviously that isn't how things worked for me. Kind of anyway. I do have a son whom I did not give birth too. I am his mother because his bio mom is less than par. But that is all. I gave birth to my other 2 children. And I wouldn't take them back for anything.
But I an not the mother I envisioned myself being.
I wanted to give my children the happy stable home I never had. I wanted to be able to get them whatever I wanted without worries I wanted their parents to always be happy and problem free. I wanted to be better than my parents.
Well, those where just dreams. Long far off dreams.
Because I do not provide none of the above. Not anywhere close and it breaks my heart. There is so much stress and frustration in my life, that my home is no where near stable and I cannot afford to even breathe sometimes. My children ask for all these cool things, and I cannot give it to them.
And when people find out everything that is going on, and they see our baby, I get this expression of why we had another child.
My baby was not planned. I was on birth control and apparently God wanted her here, because she slipped by. You will never have no idea how angry I was when I found out I was pregnant. I hated being pregnant and I was not happy through the whole thing. And the saddest part is, I'm pretty positive that this affects my bond with her. I get so frustrated with her so easily and I'm sure it was because I didn't want to be pregnant.
When I think of the mother I am and the mother I wanted to be, I am sad. Don't get me wrong. I love my children more than anything, I just wish I was a better mother.
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