Do we stay or do we go

There comes a time in life where you have to make decisions. Big ones, small ones, life altering, or just moment changing.

But the big life changing ones are the ones that I struggle with. And unfortunately, I am being faced with far too many of them.

And I'm overwhelmed.

I am only one person and it's becoming too much. It's so frustrating. Yes, I have a wonderful man by my side and we make decisions together, but one of those decisions is about him.

See, a few years ago we went through a part of life that nearly killed me. He cheated and I turned into an evil psycho. I was not myself. I eventually got over it but as I started moving on, he came back to me and said that he made a huge mistake and he wanted to be with me. So I did.

But it just hasnt been the same. I am not fully trustworthy of him. And I know that's crazy. That was like 5 years ago. But it's still affecting me and I don't know how to get passed it.

I love him, but I just don't know what to do.

How do you make life altering big decisions that could affect your life for the rest of your life.

So frustrating.

If it's not one thing...

It's seriously another and I really can handle it.

I'm on the edge and about to break. The feelings I had when I almost committed suicide before are lingering in the back of my mind again toying with me and teasing.

Plain and simple, I am a hot mess. I've been abused and broken and no one will pick up my pieces and put me back together again. I'm a real life Humpty Dumpty and no one gets it.

It would be so much easier to just let it all go and be don't with everything instead of having your emotions toyed with and played like a fiddle. I wouldn't have to stare people in the face whom, no matter how hard I try, I can't please. And they wouldn't have to look at me all tattered, torn, and broken. We would all be free.

But then where would that leave my daughters and my step-son. Damaged and heartbroken forever. And they are the reason I hold onto all the shiny tiny glimmers of false hope hoping that someday things will be how they where meant to be.

Reevaluation

I need a makeover. Not a normal makeover, but a life makeover.

I have some major stuff going on in my life that is throwing everything upside down. I so wish I could just saaay what is going on, but I have this fear that I am still being watched like a hawk even though I moved my blog. Once all is settled though, it won't matter.

But the bottom line is I am in desperate need of $2000 or I'm screwed! And I'm not near that at all. I have some saved but ugh!! It just seems impossible. Especially when there I always a bill that needs to be paid or I need to buy diapers or something. So frustrating.

It doesn't help that it's making me stressed out that now my relationship is starting to feel it. And that is the last thing I need.

I'm on the edge and bout to break. Something has to give right? They always say things have to get worse before they can get better. Well dammit after I pull myself through this, it better get better.

For those of my friends that do read this and are curious, feel free to leave a comment on this entry and I will reply to your email with my issue. :) I will only respond though if I recognize who you are. I don't want no spies!

Irritated

Ya know, sometimes I don't know how I go day after day of dealin with the crap I deal with.

But I do. I just push it all down inside and ignore it and move on. And somehow I manage to pretend it doesn't exist.

But does that really make it any better?

No. Because eventually I am going to snap and I'm getting close to that. and when that happens. It's ugly. I scream, I yell, and I say lots of things that I end up regretting later but at that moment sound so right.

So right now instead of screaming at you and saying your pissing me the hell off, I'm pushing it all down inside with the rest of the bullshit I deal with on the daily and hoping that I don't blow a gasket!

Dont judge me either. I've been abused multiple ways and this is just how I deal. Get over it & if you don't like it, there's the door. I have been alone before.

I'm Not The Mom I Wanted To Be

When I was younger, I never wanted to have children. I wanted to adopt my children and give them a mom and dad instead. There are too many children without and I wanted to take at least 2 of them.

Well obviously that isn't how things worked for me. Kind of anyway. I do have a son whom I did not give birth too. I am his mother because his bio mom is less than par. But that is all. I gave birth to my other 2 children. And I wouldn't take them back for anything.

But I an not the mother I envisioned myself being.

I wanted to give my children the happy stable home I never had. I wanted to be able to get them whatever I wanted without worries I wanted their parents to always be happy and problem free. I wanted to be better than my parents.

Well, those where just dreams. Long far off dreams.

Because I do not provide none of the above. Not anywhere close and it breaks my heart. There is so much stress and frustration in my life, that my home is no where near stable and I cannot afford to even breathe sometimes. My children ask for all these cool things, and I cannot give it to them.

And when people find out everything that is going on, and they see our baby, I get this expression of why we had another child.

My baby was not planned. I was on birth control and apparently God wanted her here, because she slipped by. You will never have no idea how angry I was when I found out I was pregnant. I hated being pregnant and I was not happy through the whole thing. And the saddest part is, I'm pretty positive that this affects my bond with her. I get so frustrated with her so easily and I'm sure it was because I didn't want to be pregnant.

When I think of the mother I am and the mother I wanted to be, I am sad. Don't get me wrong. I love my children more than anything, I just wish I was a better mother.

Do they get it?

My other half and I have been together long enough that we should know how the other works and functions pretty good.

At least you'd think so.

Sometimes I don't feel like that is the case.

I am a busy person I work 40 hours a week. I leave my house as soon as the kids get on the bus for school. I don't get off work until an hour after they have already been home from school. So I come home, relax for about an hour, if that, and then I have to start dinner. Between that I have to squeeze in laundry clean up, tend to the baby who as soon as i am in sight of her, can't bare to had me out o her sight for more than 5 seconds. And she wants to be held all the time. So all of this I have to figure out how to do while tending to diva baby.

So it was requested that I make some crab rangoon. Which is a pain in the ass an highly time-consuming. I like to save such tasks as this for when I am of work as I don't have the pressure of everything else. Plus I have the memory of a knat so I forget a lot of things. Plus I am lazy I will admit it. I am fruit to change that but it's a slow change.

So the other half has to nag me all the time to do certain things I say I will as I forget.

But, when I try to explain the time consuming job this is plus trying to deal with diva baby, I get a lecture about I need to stop blaming the baby and just do what I say I'm going to do. Seriously??

So working, comic home, cooking dinner, tending to children, plus doing other household chores, taking a shower at 10pm is not obvious?? While you sit home with the baby all day?? Don't get me wrong. I don't mind that he stays home, but don't lecture me when I forget to do something or I am just to exhausted to do it.

Do men understand a woman's role and all the stuff we feel is our duty to do??

Whew doggie

I am one out of shape cookie!!

My daughters (Princess in the Middle) girl scout troop went skiing today. I obviously did not ski because I am highly uncoordinated and would have spent more time on my rear than I would have on my skis. Plus, I wanted to take pictures and I wouldn't have been able to do that and ski. Besides, the girls did enough falling for the both of us! :)

So I lugged on my heafty boots and walked and sheesh. My boots weigh A TON!! My legs get quiet the workout wearing those but multiply that by 3-4 trips around the loop for skiing.

My back is sore. And I'm ready for bed.

I need my teenage body back.