No Babies Please!

When I was a kid, I always had said I was never ever having kids. I was always around my cousins which for the most part where little hellions on two feet.

My mom would always tell me that I would change my mind once I met the perfect guy. As I got older and into my teenage years I was still adamant on no kids! Besides, what teenage girl is worrying about children. Unless of course you are one of those way out of hand teenagers that are a Maury Show candidate! Sure as heck wasn't me. Keep those kids far away from me.

My plan was to adopt older children who didn't have a mom or dad of their own.

Yeah, we see how well that worked.

In 2000 I met my husband and his son. I was totally on with him having a child because I was still on the path of giving other children a parent they are lacking and I still didn't want any of my 'own'.

Imagine my surprise a few year later when a good ol' pregnancy test popped up positive. I was home alone when I took that test. I didn't even say anything to him that I was planning on taking one. What prompted me to take one was the fact that my boobs where ungodly sore. Everyone around me assured me that I was pregnant. I assured them I wasn't and told them I would take a test to prove them wrong.

Took the test. Threw it across the bathroom. Spent all day at home, alone, in bed, crying!

9 months later, enter Princess in the Middle.

After Princess in the Middle, I was so overcome with joy and love for this baby, that I wanted another. SOON!! Daddy on the other hand was never ready. I eventually got back on birth control pills and around my daughters age of 5/6, I let go of the dream of having another baby and started selling all her baby things. Clothes, gear, etc. I was tired of it taking up space.

So, imagine my surprise last fall when my period didn't come like it was supposed to. These birth control pills made my period come like clock work. One month it never came. So off I went to buy a test without telling hubby. And peed on it the next morning.

Positive. I bet your thinking I was happy!!

Not!!

I instantly threw it in the cupboard and cried. Composed myself and Got the kids ready for school. Hubby takes one look at me and knew something was wrong. He was stoked. I was angry.

I continued to be angry through pretty much my whole pregnancy. I'm pretty positive it's affecting my bond with her as I get so irritated and crabby when she is fussy and inconsolable which lucky for me is 98% of the time. But for some reason, she is so a mommas girl. She prefers me over anyone. I don't know if it has to do with the 8 weeks of breastfeeding or all the skin to skin the doctor made me do, or what. Sometimes I love it but others I just wish she wasn't. I know I sound so horrible but I can't help those feelings.

Even though I was so upset I was pregnant both times, I love both my girls more than anything in the world and I would never go back to before I had them. I may not be the best mother in the world, but to my girls, I am the greatest and I have no faults or failures. I will take that and run with it. Relishing in all their accomplishments. And hope that all 3 of my children always think I am nothing BUT the greatest!!

For the record though, I do still want to adopt and give a child the parents they wouldn't have otherwise.