When I was younger, I never wanted to have children. I wanted to adopt my children and give them a mom and dad instead. There are too many children without and I wanted to take at least 2 of them.
Well obviously that isn't how things worked for me. Kind of anyway. I do have a son whom I did not give birth too. I am his mother because his bio mom is less than par. But that is all. I gave birth to my other 2 children. And I wouldn't take them back for anything.
But I an not the mother I envisioned myself being.
I wanted to give my children the happy stable home I never had. I wanted to be able to get them whatever I wanted without worries I wanted their parents to always be happy and problem free. I wanted to be better than my parents.
Well, those where just dreams. Long far off dreams.
Because I do not provide none of the above. Not anywhere close and it breaks my heart. There is so much stress and frustration in my life, that my home is no where near stable and I cannot afford to even breathe sometimes. My children ask for all these cool things, and I cannot give it to them.
And when people find out everything that is going on, and they see our baby, I get this expression of why we had another child.
My baby was not planned. I was on birth control and apparently God wanted her here, because she slipped by. You will never have no idea how angry I was when I found out I was pregnant. I hated being pregnant and I was not happy through the whole thing. And the saddest part is, I'm pretty positive that this affects my bond with her. I get so frustrated with her so easily and I'm sure it was because I didn't want to be pregnant.
When I think of the mother I am and the mother I wanted to be, I am sad. Don't get me wrong. I love my children more than anything, I just wish I was a better mother.
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