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The Rapture Is Here...

And I'm still alive. Go figure.

Can't wait to see the chaos that 2012 brings...

(I know I haven't blogged in a month, a big giant update will be coming soon...)

He Only Takes The Best

I am not a eloquent writer to begin with but excuse any confusing part of this post, as I know tears are going to be shed while typing.

About 9 years ago among my panic of being pregnant with my first child, I devoured the Internet in search of advice and any detail I could find.

I discovered chat rooms on MSN. After not finding people I liked, I decided to make one of my own. Mommies 2 Be was born. (M2B for short)

It didn't take long to become one of the biggest mom chat rooms on MSN. I met tons of fabulous women through there. Every time a mama had her baby, we would change the topic of the room to welcome that baby to the world. Every mama loved it. One of those mama's is who this blog post is about.

Around the time I had my oldest daughter a new face came to M2B. Sweet Holly. She just found out she was pregnant with her first child and she couldn't be more excited.

I remember one day (a day I will never forget), she came to the chat room and was telling me how she was having discharge an heavy cramping. I told her she needed to call her doctor asap because she was describing her mucus plug and contractions to a T. She panicked and called. Doc told her to go to the hospital so that is where she went. And that is the last we had heard from her for days.

We ended up banning her sister from the chat room because she was telling us Holly had gone into preterm labor and had the baby. We didn't know it was Holly's sister and we didn't believe her. We thought she was a troll. When we found out it really did happen we felt horrible.

Tons and tons of prayers went up for her little boys survival, and I am happy to say that he is a handsome 8 year old.

Which brings me to now. Holly and her husband had wanted another baby. Make their family complete by becoming a family of 4. But that didn't come without a fight. They ended up having to go to IVF.

Around November, Holly posted a video with Dustin announcing he was going to be a big brother. Holly was finally pregnant!!

Her pregnancy didn't come without it's scares. She had started going into preterm labor at around 18 weeks. She went and had a cerclage put in and was ordered to be on bedrest. She was to only remove herself from bed to use the bathroom!

Each week passed and we all cheered for each week she passed because that meant one more week her sweet baby grew healthier.

Holly was beyond excited to make it passed 25 weeks as she had never been that pregnant. She watched from her bed as her baby's nursery was completed by he husband, family & friends. Shopped for decorations online and prepared herself for bringing home a healthy baby. Last Saturday she had her baby shows. She has never been to her own baby shower pregnant. What a leap! She had a baby shower and finished the final touches on the nursery and the travel system was delivered.

We cheered for her as she hit 30 weeks and then 31.

We don't like week 31 anymore because week 31 is where life as Holly knew it Changed forever.

My amazingly strong friend went to the doctor on Wednesday April 6, 2011 to find her baby's heart not beating.

Holly underwent a cesarian section that evening to give birth to her daughter.





Now Holly must face life without the daughter she so dearly wanted and loved and spoiled. Instead of bringing home a healthy baby, she must now plan funeral arrangements and face life back at square one. How do you explain to an 8 year old that his little sister will never come home.

This family will never be the same and will always be broken. A child that was so dearly wanted and loved even before she would have taken her first breath has earned her wings before her time.

No words will ever ease their pain and nothing will ever make life complete.

So if you are reading this, please say a prayer or send up some thoughts for this family. They need all they can get right now.

Honesty

2 things that I am: Honest & Caring.

I am an opinionated person. I will Honestly tell you how I feel and what I am thinking or give my thoughts. I have no reason to do otherwise. This can turn to be a good and bad thing.

Sometimes what I say can come out wrong or be taken the wrong way. It might even hurt some feelings. But that is never my intention. And it's up to me to realize when things come out wrong and apologize and re-explain myself. Sometimes it takes someone else pointing out when I said something wrong.

Now, if people accept the apology is a whole other story.

Recently a friend of mine told me she was pregnant. She just had a baby in June. Her other two children are 2 & 3 (maybe even 4). So this makes baby number 4! (maybe even 4 & 5) she is always saying how stressed out she is and how her oldest has a naughty mouth and that none of the kids listen etc. So imagine my shock when she told me she was pregnant again. Especially after just giving birth in June.

Without hesitating I told her she was nuts and that I would go crazy. Hell I even told her "birth control perhaps" and she just laughed. She knew I meant no harm.

But then I posted about this incident somewhere else and people where very quick to take offense about "how rude I was".

See the good thing about my friends is they understand me and they know if they want an honest opinion they can come to me because I am not scared to tell you what I think. What good would come if I lied??

I am very caring and thoughtful as well I could be in sorry shape but willing to do what I can to help someone who is in a similar crappy situation. I am the type of person to give you the shirt on my back if it was necessary.

I may seem like I am a cold hearted person, but that is not the case. I am probably one of the nicest people you could know.

Don't let the hard exterior fool you!!

Do we stay or do we go

There comes a time in life where you have to make decisions. Big ones, small ones, life altering, or just moment changing.

But the big life changing ones are the ones that I struggle with. And unfortunately, I am being faced with far too many of them.

And I'm overwhelmed.

I am only one person and it's becoming too much. It's so frustrating. Yes, I have a wonderful man by my side and we make decisions together, but one of those decisions is about him.

See, a few years ago we went through a part of life that nearly killed me. He cheated and I turned into an evil psycho. I was not myself. I eventually got over it but as I started moving on, he came back to me and said that he made a huge mistake and he wanted to be with me. So I did.

But it just hasnt been the same. I am not fully trustworthy of him. And I know that's crazy. That was like 5 years ago. But it's still affecting me and I don't know how to get passed it.

I love him, but I just don't know what to do.

How do you make life altering big decisions that could affect your life for the rest of your life.

So frustrating.

Twitter Me!!

If you visiting or following or both...

Come follow me on twitter!

http://www.twitter.com/FlirtinWith30

Cell Phones, blogs, Social Networks, oh my

In this day, it is hard to find someone not attached to their cell phone, unless they are an elderly person. Hell, kids as young as 5 are begging to have a cell phone.

Thankfully my 8 year old could care less if she has one or not. She borrows her brothers when she goes to a friends house.

I on the other hand am guilty on multiple levels. I am highly addicted to my iPhone and can hardly go 10 minutes without looking at it. I am constantly texting or checking Facebook. And it has caused some tension in my relationship. He claims I spend more time on my phone & the truth is, I have become more reliant on doing things on my phone (like this blog post) instead of doing things with my husband. (I bet he would have a different tune if I was one of those kick ass bloggers that made lots of my doing this!) The sad thing is, I don't know how to put it away and leave it alone.

In a day when the whole world practically relies on the use of a computer or a cell phone, it's no wonder why everyone has gone googoo for technology. It seems like there is nothing you cant do from a cell phone.

So how do you pull yourself away from all the ways to communicate that don't require talking? I am having a hard time figuring this put. Is it bad that I would rather text than actually talk. Maybe it's because I am always busy that an actual conversation would slow me down.

I dont know but what would happen to people as the way we communicate if all of a sudden cell phones and Internet stopped working?? Would people in this day and age be able to handle it. Especially the kids.

My answer is No. What's yours??

No Babies Please!

When I was a kid, I always had said I was never ever having kids. I was always around my cousins which for the most part where little hellions on two feet.

My mom would always tell me that I would change my mind once I met the perfect guy. As I got older and into my teenage years I was still adamant on no kids! Besides, what teenage girl is worrying about children. Unless of course you are one of those way out of hand teenagers that are a Maury Show candidate! Sure as heck wasn't me. Keep those kids far away from me.

My plan was to adopt older children who didn't have a mom or dad of their own.

Yeah, we see how well that worked.

In 2000 I met my husband and his son. I was totally on with him having a child because I was still on the path of giving other children a parent they are lacking and I still didn't want any of my 'own'.

Imagine my surprise a few year later when a good ol' pregnancy test popped up positive. I was home alone when I took that test. I didn't even say anything to him that I was planning on taking one. What prompted me to take one was the fact that my boobs where ungodly sore. Everyone around me assured me that I was pregnant. I assured them I wasn't and told them I would take a test to prove them wrong.

Took the test. Threw it across the bathroom. Spent all day at home, alone, in bed, crying!

9 months later, enter Princess in the Middle.

After Princess in the Middle, I was so overcome with joy and love for this baby, that I wanted another. SOON!! Daddy on the other hand was never ready. I eventually got back on birth control pills and around my daughters age of 5/6, I let go of the dream of having another baby and started selling all her baby things. Clothes, gear, etc. I was tired of it taking up space.

So, imagine my surprise last fall when my period didn't come like it was supposed to. These birth control pills made my period come like clock work. One month it never came. So off I went to buy a test without telling hubby. And peed on it the next morning.

Positive. I bet your thinking I was happy!!

Not!!

I instantly threw it in the cupboard and cried. Composed myself and Got the kids ready for school. Hubby takes one look at me and knew something was wrong. He was stoked. I was angry.

I continued to be angry through pretty much my whole pregnancy. I'm pretty positive it's affecting my bond with her as I get so irritated and crabby when she is fussy and inconsolable which lucky for me is 98% of the time. But for some reason, she is so a mommas girl. She prefers me over anyone. I don't know if it has to do with the 8 weeks of breastfeeding or all the skin to skin the doctor made me do, or what. Sometimes I love it but others I just wish she wasn't. I know I sound so horrible but I can't help those feelings.

Even though I was so upset I was pregnant both times, I love both my girls more than anything in the world and I would never go back to before I had them. I may not be the best mother in the world, but to my girls, I am the greatest and I have no faults or failures. I will take that and run with it. Relishing in all their accomplishments. And hope that all 3 of my children always think I am nothing BUT the greatest!!

For the record though, I do still want to adopt and give a child the parents they wouldn't have otherwise.

If it's not one thing...

It's seriously another and I really can handle it.

I'm on the edge and about to break. The feelings I had when I almost committed suicide before are lingering in the back of my mind again toying with me and teasing.

Plain and simple, I am a hot mess. I've been abused and broken and no one will pick up my pieces and put me back together again. I'm a real life Humpty Dumpty and no one gets it.

It would be so much easier to just let it all go and be don't with everything instead of having your emotions toyed with and played like a fiddle. I wouldn't have to stare people in the face whom, no matter how hard I try, I can't please. And they wouldn't have to look at me all tattered, torn, and broken. We would all be free.

But then where would that leave my daughters and my step-son. Damaged and heartbroken forever. And they are the reason I hold onto all the shiny tiny glimmers of false hope hoping that someday things will be how they where meant to be.

Welcome Spring

Oh Spring! How happy I am to see you!! I have missed you since the day you left me last year.

Don't tell your other 3 friends, but you are my favorite and I adore everything you bring with you.

Although, I have to say that I am sad that there is no spring sunshine today and it's all dark and dreary grey outside along with some rain. I will deal though as long as you promise to hussy with the spring weather and don't disappear on me too quickly.

Love your BFF,
Me

Happy Spring Friends!!!

Drugs & Motherhood

I am a person who has never in her life touched any sort of drugs, unless that have been prescribed to me. Hell, I have never even smoked a cigarette. And that is the 100% Gods honest truth.

So, don't get upset when I think down on you for doing drugs. I will tolerate cigarettes but drugs, i don't think so. I just don't see the point in why people waste their time and money. Don't give me that baloney that they help you calm down or relax either because I am not buying it. Does not work with me, I am sorry. And don't expect mento give you sympathy either when you are broke because you spent it all on some weed or crack.

What really boils me is MOTHERS who seem to think that it's ok to continue with their recreational drug use. Especially when they are still pregnant. Seriously?! How effing stupid are you?

I worked with a girl at a restaurant while I was pregnant with my now 9 month old daughter. Who announced after I found out I was pregnant that she was going to get pregnant to so we could be preggo together. Good Reason right? Low and behold 2-3 months later, guess whose pregnant. Yay! Not!

So I spent the whole 7 months I worked of my pregnancy watching her buy pills from customers and run in the bathroom to crush them up and snort them.

One day a little baby came in that had Downs Syndrome. I had stated how I adore children with Downs. They are oh so adorable and so sweet and full of put innocence with a zest for life like no other. Another co-worker mentioned how she would love to adopt a child with Downs or another disability.

Guess what my little pill popping co-worker stated?

If her baby was ever born with a disability, she didn't want him!! She would immediately put him up for adoption. I just looked at her totally appalled and I had to walk away. If I had said the things I wanted to say, I would have surely caused a fight and been fired. I didn't need to loose my job, nor put my unborn daughter at risk!

I mean seriously! You are going to say all that while popping pills and putting your child at an even greater risk of problems or addiction and not care one single bit. But should your child be born with problems, you surely wouldn't take the blame but I would so be pointing fingers!!

I have a few family members that like to smoke marijuana while their children are around. They simply go in another room and close the door, or make the children go play in another room while the door is closed. It's ok though. They are in another room and they can't see me!

Why don't you just invite your child to sit with you then and share! Basically the same thing right?

I just don't understand. When I became a mother my lifestyle changed. Not that I ever did anything anyway but that's not the point. My life was no longer mine. It was theirs! And every bit of my life revolves around them. They are first, I am second and that is how it should be. I would never do anything to jeprodize the lives of my children.

When you become a mother, you're supposed to grow up and live all the bogus bull$hit behind.

At least that's what I thought was supposed to happen...

Reevaluation

I need a makeover. Not a normal makeover, but a life makeover.

I have some major stuff going on in my life that is throwing everything upside down. I so wish I could just saaay what is going on, but I have this fear that I am still being watched like a hawk even though I moved my blog. Once all is settled though, it won't matter.

But the bottom line is I am in desperate need of $2000 or I'm screwed! And I'm not near that at all. I have some saved but ugh!! It just seems impossible. Especially when there I always a bill that needs to be paid or I need to buy diapers or something. So frustrating.

It doesn't help that it's making me stressed out that now my relationship is starting to feel it. And that is the last thing I need.

I'm on the edge and bout to break. Something has to give right? They always say things have to get worse before they can get better. Well dammit after I pull myself through this, it better get better.

For those of my friends that do read this and are curious, feel free to leave a comment on this entry and I will reply to your email with my issue. :) I will only respond though if I recognize who you are. I don't want no spies!

Irritated

Ya know, sometimes I don't know how I go day after day of dealin with the crap I deal with.

But I do. I just push it all down inside and ignore it and move on. And somehow I manage to pretend it doesn't exist.

But does that really make it any better?

No. Because eventually I am going to snap and I'm getting close to that. and when that happens. It's ugly. I scream, I yell, and I say lots of things that I end up regretting later but at that moment sound so right.

So right now instead of screaming at you and saying your pissing me the hell off, I'm pushing it all down inside with the rest of the bullshit I deal with on the daily and hoping that I don't blow a gasket!

Dont judge me either. I've been abused multiple ways and this is just how I deal. Get over it & if you don't like it, there's the door. I have been alone before.

Spring Cleaning

I am ready for spring!

Correction...

I am beyond ready for spring.

Like, ready to bust open the windows, wear capris (I don't do shorts cause I got me some fat thighs!!), and dump my basement into the garbage!

It needs help! Like serious help! And not only that, I have a slight leak in my wall somewhere that is making the den/office area have mold grow on the wall. It's not a lot, but enough to make it musty.

And I want to organize it supa bad! We keep diggin through boxes and leavin crap everywhere so likely, it's a hot mess and not cute!

I'm also ready to just have windows open. There is nothing that I love more than fresh spring breeze. Let out the stuffiness that winter forces you to keep in!!

I'm ready to kick my kids out of the house and make them play outside, jam to some music and clean!! Nothin like a fresh house cleaning to make you feel good!

Now if we can only get mother nature to cooperate!!

Just a quote I saw that I can relate too!

"I think I'm afraid to be happy because when I get too happy, something bad always happens!"

Birthday Boy

My son turned another year older today. 14!

14!!

Sheesh!

I remember when I met you! You where only 3. Adorable as ever. And not so nice to me sometimes because "I'm not your mom"

It's nice now though because you realize that I'm as close to a mom as you will ever have. I may not have grew you in my belly and then gave birth to you, but I love you all the same.

Sometimes you make me mental, but what teenager doesn't drive their parents mental.

It's been fun watching you grow into a boy to a young man. And who knows what the future holds for us, but I can't wait to watch you grow into an adult!

Happy Birthday!! I hope you had a fabulous day!!

I need a Vacation

I am so overly tired it's not even funny. I am so over waking up

all.
night.
long.

with diva baby. I just want one full nights sleep. Is that too much to ask??

/sigh

Product Reviews

I love to do product reviews. I am a member of BzzAgent and have been with them for many years. I have been lucky to do a couple of House Party's and now I am a 'Purex Insider'.

Right now Purex has me sampling the new Crystals fabric softener. And so far I'm pretty impressed. I have only done 2 loads though.

I am trying to get a few companies to allow me to do product reviews here. We shall see what happens!!

I love trying things out and giving my thoughts. Honest thoughts because I feel that is what helps businesses make their products better.

I especially love to help businesses started by moms or home made things.

If your interested please leave a comment.

I'm Not The Mom I Wanted To Be

When I was younger, I never wanted to have children. I wanted to adopt my children and give them a mom and dad instead. There are too many children without and I wanted to take at least 2 of them.

Well obviously that isn't how things worked for me. Kind of anyway. I do have a son whom I did not give birth too. I am his mother because his bio mom is less than par. But that is all. I gave birth to my other 2 children. And I wouldn't take them back for anything.

But I an not the mother I envisioned myself being.

I wanted to give my children the happy stable home I never had. I wanted to be able to get them whatever I wanted without worries I wanted their parents to always be happy and problem free. I wanted to be better than my parents.

Well, those where just dreams. Long far off dreams.

Because I do not provide none of the above. Not anywhere close and it breaks my heart. There is so much stress and frustration in my life, that my home is no where near stable and I cannot afford to even breathe sometimes. My children ask for all these cool things, and I cannot give it to them.

And when people find out everything that is going on, and they see our baby, I get this expression of why we had another child.

My baby was not planned. I was on birth control and apparently God wanted her here, because she slipped by. You will never have no idea how angry I was when I found out I was pregnant. I hated being pregnant and I was not happy through the whole thing. And the saddest part is, I'm pretty positive that this affects my bond with her. I get so frustrated with her so easily and I'm sure it was because I didn't want to be pregnant.

When I think of the mother I am and the mother I wanted to be, I am sad. Don't get me wrong. I love my children more than anything, I just wish I was a better mother.

Do they get it?

My other half and I have been together long enough that we should know how the other works and functions pretty good.

At least you'd think so.

Sometimes I don't feel like that is the case.

I am a busy person I work 40 hours a week. I leave my house as soon as the kids get on the bus for school. I don't get off work until an hour after they have already been home from school. So I come home, relax for about an hour, if that, and then I have to start dinner. Between that I have to squeeze in laundry clean up, tend to the baby who as soon as i am in sight of her, can't bare to had me out o her sight for more than 5 seconds. And she wants to be held all the time. So all of this I have to figure out how to do while tending to diva baby.

So it was requested that I make some crab rangoon. Which is a pain in the ass an highly time-consuming. I like to save such tasks as this for when I am of work as I don't have the pressure of everything else. Plus I have the memory of a knat so I forget a lot of things. Plus I am lazy I will admit it. I am fruit to change that but it's a slow change.

So the other half has to nag me all the time to do certain things I say I will as I forget.

But, when I try to explain the time consuming job this is plus trying to deal with diva baby, I get a lecture about I need to stop blaming the baby and just do what I say I'm going to do. Seriously??

So working, comic home, cooking dinner, tending to children, plus doing other household chores, taking a shower at 10pm is not obvious?? While you sit home with the baby all day?? Don't get me wrong. I don't mind that he stays home, but don't lecture me when I forget to do something or I am just to exhausted to do it.

Do men understand a woman's role and all the stuff we feel is our duty to do??

Whew doggie

I am one out of shape cookie!!

My daughters (Princess in the Middle) girl scout troop went skiing today. I obviously did not ski because I am highly uncoordinated and would have spent more time on my rear than I would have on my skis. Plus, I wanted to take pictures and I wouldn't have been able to do that and ski. Besides, the girls did enough falling for the both of us! :)

So I lugged on my heafty boots and walked and sheesh. My boots weigh A TON!! My legs get quiet the workout wearing those but multiply that by 3-4 trips around the loop for skiing.

My back is sore. And I'm ready for bed.

I need my teenage body back.

New Hair

As part of reinventing myself and making myself feel better about myself (thats a lot of myself's) I told my boyfriend I wanted to get my hair done. Not just a cut but a full cut, dye, and highlights.

I did phase one and phase two today. I didn't cut much off because as much as my hair annoys me, I'm really really trying hard to grow it out. So I just had the dry ends cut off. And when I put my hair in a ponytail I gasped at how short my ponytail is. Musts been some dry ends LOL

I love the color of my hair. I had a dark mousy brown color that was just plain blah. Now it's a copper brown. Love It!!

Next I will be adding highlights.

And just when I was feeling so guilty about spending so much when I really can't afford it, I got a card in the mail from my dad with a check inside!! Now I don't have to feel bad!!

I will post a before and after soon.

So Here I Am...

Re-blogging somewhere else hoping to avoid the crazy people that feel the need to haunt me.

Reinventing myself as I brink on true adulthood. Theres something about your twenties where everyone still seems to think your 'just a kid' or 'still so young'. And most peeps in their twenties still act like a kid.

Well let me clue you in, I feel like neither! I feel old and worn down and beat out of shape!

So, as of today, my 29th Birthday, I am officially flirting with 30 and I an going to reinvent myself starting...

NOW!!

Ok wait, maybe tomorrow as I have birthday cake and ice cream to eat!! Yes I still get a cake as my children insist a birthday requires cake. And my sweet tooth is ok with that, my ass on the other hand is not.